That Day and Never! [End to a misery]

I am sorry! I seldom act so immature. Most of the time, I don’t stand by these acts of self-destruction. But that day was different. It brought with it the feelings of regret, jealousy, emptiness, loneliness, ignorance and frustration. I was having trouble getting up from the bed. I recall that I just switched on my phone [which was lying switched off from past 24 hours, to see to whom I mattered: foolish act]. Just few ‘click-this-link-to-win-$5000000’, ‘become-fair-in-20days’, ‘find your suitable life partner’ mails popped up. No-one had even missed me? I was being absurd, it was only 11am in the morning and I was forgetting that people had a life of their own. I listlessly crawled out of bed and made myself a hot cup of coffee. Walking towards the balcony with the hot cup giving me warmth, I stood at the balcony for uncountable minutes. When the morning had finally washed over me; I started feeling restless. The cup in my hand was empty, the street which overlooked my house was empty, my mind didn’t register any thoughts for a long time, and my house was empty with a person who was empty in soul and mind. Tears started rolling down my cheeks. What was the matter with me? No one had said anything to me; but that was the whole point.

I got up and called up my mother and father. Both didn’t receive my call, probably they were off to their respective jobs.  I called up my sister, but she was attending her college lectures. I had no one else to call; I went blank, yet again. I cried and cried and cried. I could not call up my boyfriend, I was having a fight with him and even if I did call him, after hearing me cry he would become more angry and our fight would stretch further. I don’t want to add that also to my list of ‘things-that-make-me-cry’, because believe me it’s a long list. My friends were away, my parents were away and my career had taken a downfall. Many people said to me, that I can’t have someone sit by my side 24 hours to entertain me and that people suffer more trouble and mine were just made-up. That is all true; I accept that but can’t understand that.

After hours of crying, I don’t know what came over me but I walked towards the bedroom and started searching for something frantically. I don’t know what I was thinking, maybe I was not thinking at all at that moment. Then I found it in the bathroom: the blade. It was sitting unused for days, maybe waiting for this particular usage. I sat down on the bathroom floor and held out my left hand. Rolled up the sleeves of my shirt and brought the blade close to my blue nerves, which had gone pale at that time. I never felt so courageous and fearful at the same instant. Deep inside I was wishing for a knock on the door or a beep or ring from the mobile phone to distract me. But none of it came. Numbness creeped inside me as the cold blade touched my skin. I always drew crooked lines but that day I drew a deep and straight red line on my arm. Gush of blood came out and I let out a cry; the last cry of my life. My body fell to the ground. My throat went dry. But my thoughts were not empty at this moment; I pictured all the people I was leaving behind. As if in a trance of beautiful dreams, my eyelids closed and finally I attained bliss, I was not empty anymore.